The segment was showcasing some of the "hottest toys" that a couple goofy bastards who I don't know the names of mustered up and brought to try and impress legions of Regis and Kelly's fans. What hottest toys means is they ran to the nearest Brookstone peddling their usual crap and grabbed what they could while stopping by a K-Mart right before the show to add a bit of authenticity to it. After pretending for a few seconds that they're adults who just want to be big kids, the segment gets worse and worse as they delve into conversation over Barbie that I can't imagine much of anyone would understand, much less want to sit through (yes, I am generalizing and stereotyping and still, no one):
My first problem that I'd like to address is the fact that these people are going out of their way to appear as though they're having a good time with this segment. They all laugh comfortably because Brookstone, everyone's favorite store full of expensive garbage that you can give as a gift to be accepted a bit more heartily than a thoughtless voucher or latest novel no one wants to read, is for grown ups, so it's ok! Who cares that it's a shitty remote control car that doesn't match even the cheapest one at Toys R Us? You got it from Brookstone! You can be a kid again with none of the work that it takes for most adults to be in touch with their inner child because you can excuse it at the last minute.
Utter bullshit, but acceptable nonetheless, because that's what insecure adults have to do in this day and age to make a living, and "The Toy Guy Himself" Chris Whatever-it-is needs to eat. Even this contrived mess would be ok, if the segment didn't take the turn that it did.
After stifling through a few more crappy things and reaching the best toys they have on display, the hosts of the segment spoke about the WWE and UFC figures for all of a very literal ten second period before moving on to a cool Shuttle Tydirium and R2D2 trash can (have they really never made one of those before?) and, surprise surprise, down the "nerd bashing" pathway.
"This trashcan is a babe magnet for sure." - Goofy White Guy
"Are these lonely adult males?!" - Kelly
"You must live in your basement with your mom to have this...for sure!" - Goofy White Guy
As most "normal" adults do when faced with the idea of an adult owning a toy, these three resort to chuckling and belittling those who collect or own any type of action figure or toy over the age of 10. All in good fun? Not likely. At this point in our social system, my life, and their lives, these people have to be kidding. It's like an immediate masturbation joke at the mention of Pee-wee Herman: tired, uninspired, uncreative...and stupid.
They don't realize that their hilarious banter is making everyone beyond their loyal fanbase (who all think exactly as they do, anyway) hate them. Actually hate them.
And even THEN it might be ok, because behavior that makes us all wonder why there's no such thing as aborting full grown adults can be written off by any rational or mature person. But they close their segment and destroy any chance at redemption.
That's what you think it is. They move on to an XBox Kinnect or Connect or whatever it is and start dancing. And not just dancing, but dancing just as you would expect, with vulnerability running through their veins and no skill or soul. Just a bunch of silly bitches playing a video game they shouldn't be playing.
So Kelly Ripa opens the floodgates, Chris the Toy Guy and Captain Douchehelmet belittle "nerd toy collectors" everywhere and then they all get together and dance in front of a TV screen. Time to stop and think for a few minutes.
If Kelly Ripa was single and on the prowl, you know she'd be cougaring it up and looking for someone to attack. That'd be me, friends. I'd be in Target (cougar central) walking around for about 10 minutes before she'd start harvesting me with her eyes and I'd have to tell her to back off or realize I'm not up for commitment. Otherwise, I'd be all for it, even though I own toys. When she saw my junk I'm sure she'd be all for it despite that fact and despite what she says, but that's how slam pigs are, no matter what age, so that's a lost cause.
Chris the Toy Guy appears asexual to me, so I'm not sure what place he thinks he has to criticize action figure owners or stereotype them, but he did the least amount of bashing in the segment and he may truly be a "toy guy" despite his actions, so I will cut him some slack and chalk it up to peer pressure.
What really pisses me off is whoever the other guy is. I've never seen him before but to be co-hosting Regis and Kelly as a stand-in you must have been in the business for a while, and I don't know how he made it because he looks, sounds, and acts like a cookie-cutter PR goon. He seemed to do the most amount of smack talking with the least amount of cred to back it up. I'm by no means a pussy magnet, but this guy clearly soaks himself in opposite sex-repellent when he wakes up every morning. There's no way he gets the amount of tang his image is proclaiming after talking and dancing like he does. Plus, he's not all that attractive.
The lesson here is, don't run your mouth about people collecting toys being nerds unless you yourself are so cool that you make Daniel Day Lewis have to check himself and see if he needs a breath mint before talking to you.
I may also be stereotyping these people because I'm sure they don't own coffee table books about wine and turn their noses up to pop culture beyond Oscar nominees like I think they do. Either way, sure, there are people who will always, always, ALWAYS be uber-dorks when it comes to action figure collecting, but not everyone falls into that category despite what long standing chatter and ideals say. Toy collecting is normal, toy collecting is cool. No matter the scale or size.
Kelly, Chris the Toy Guy, and Captain Douchehelmet, YOU are the nerds. Not me. It's that simple.
I seem bitter, but I'm not. There is nothing cooler than an R2D2 trash can and that's all that can be said.
- TS5
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